Luke

Dear Lover of God

Many people have put together accounts of what God has done among us recently, listening to the stories told by those who saw these things with their own eyes. In the excitement it can be quite confusing, so I decided to start again, doing my own careful research, in order to compile an accurate, ordered account so that you may know the truth about the things you have been taught.

It started in the days of Herod, king of Judea when a priest named Zechariah (part of the Abijah division) was married to a descendant of Aaron (another priest!) called Elizabeth. They were both making right choices before God, walking blamelessly in all the requirements of the Lord. Yet they had no children and were both passed the point where this seemed possible. Now it happened that whilst his division was on duty, Zechariah was chosen by drawing lots to enter the temple for the daily ritual of burning incense (symbolic of the people’s prayers ascending to God). Whilst he was doing this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right of the altar of incense! Zechariah was frightened but the angel told him not to be afraid but that his prayers had been heard and that he and Elizabeth would have a son to be called John. He went on to say that this would bring great joy not only to him and Elizabeth but to many because his birth would be a sign to the people that God’s Messiah was soon to come. For this reason he was to be distinctive – God would play his part in that he would be filled with the Holy Spirit from his conception, they were to play theirs by giving him nothing alcoholic to drink.

Zechariah would not take the angel at his word and asked for proof, pointing out that he was an old man and that Elizabeth was well passed child-bearing age. Exasperated, the angel responded: ‘I am Gabriel, I stand in the very presence of God and was told to bring this good news to you. But now, because of your unbelief, you will be unable to tell this good news until the words are fulfilled.’ The people were waiting for Zechariah to come out, puzzled at the delay, but of course he couldn’t tell them and eventually went home to Elizabeth. After this Elizabeth became pregnant but kept herself secluded, filled with joy that God had taken away the shame people had for those who were childless.

In the sixth month of her pregnancy, Gabriel was sent from God to a city in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin contracted in marriage to a man whose name was Joseph, of the descendants of David;

and the virgin’s name was Mary.....

The Diary

Extract 100
It's strange, the more the authorities persecute Jesus, the more people follow 'the way'. The more the world hates, the more God's love takes root – every day more people become believers, sharers in Jesus' love. And so many of them want to meet me. Somehow they seem to think that seeing me will make my son more real. Of course it doesn't, his Spirit makes him more real than any amount of my stories. But I love meeting them, their wonder, their joy as they experience real freedom, encounter God's love afresh in their lives.

So many people, I scarcely get any time to write now – in any case my eyes aren't what they used to be and it all takes longer. But I'm glad I've written this diary, it helps me get it right when I tell the new believers what it was really like, to lead them to the truth about my Jesus.

And today I am especially glad. I met someone different. Someone who I think will be significant in this new kingdom. Peter himself brought him to John and me. His name is Luke, he's a doctor and a devout believer. But like so many, he's now heard so many stories about Jesus that he doesn't know which are true, or if they are true, what they mean. He wants to write an orderly account so that everyone can know the truth and not be distracted or diverted from a genuine relationship with Jesus.

He wants to read my diary.

Stephen

Extract 98
Maybe I was unduly worried – God is big enough to break out of the tombs we lock him in! Stephen, one of the seven administrators has been preaching about Jesus everywhere he goes – so much so that the authorities have ordered him to stop. I love it! The enemy tries to stop the kingdom being born by killing my son. But God raises him to life creating more courageous support for the kingdom than there was before! Then when the kingdom is growing faster than any of us believed possible the enemy tries to slow it down with bureaucracy, but God uses those appointed to administer it to become catalysts for even faster growth!

The enemy can't win!

Extract 99
But he can still hurt us. Stephen was killed yesterday. It reminded me so much of Jesus – you could see where it was leading, but no amount of persuasion could deflect him from doing what was right. He was preaching in the market place as they distributed food to the poor, telling people the extraordinary story of Jesus, his life, his death, his resurrection. Then a group from the synagogue of free men (who were actually slaves of the enemy) and one of the rising stars of the Pharisees began to argue with him. Saul, the Pharisee, has been opposing and persecuting believers all over the region and is obviously looking to make a name for himself here in the Capital. After a while it must have become clear that they could not defeat Stephen's arguments, so they went and accused him before the High Priest.

John & I went to the trial to support Stephen. I could see where it would end. It was just like it was when Jesus was in our synagogue, before Pilate, on the road to Golgotha. Nothing could stop Stephen. He spoke the most powerful sermon I have ever heard. Starting with Abraham, he explained how God has always given Himself for His people and how we have always ended up rejecting His offer of love. He finished by explaining how Jesus was the incarnation of God's love and that this generation had acted just like all the others – rejecting, not just his messengers, but this time, His very son. It was too much for the authorities. Enraged at Stephen's accusation of them, they confirmed his accusation – by killing another of God's messengers. A man so filled with God's love, with the Spirit of Jesus that his face, even when he was being stoned, looked like an angel. I will never forget his final words:

"Behold, I see the heavens opened up and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. Lord, do not hold this sin against them!"

Transformers

Extract 96
I can't stop laughing!

John and I have just come home after walking around the city. Peter and the others wanted a revolution and they've got one – but but so much more profound than they ever imagined possible. They wanted the drama of violently replacing one authority for another – in the end nothing much would have changed. Instead through these eklesia, little groups of people brought to real life by the Spirit of Jesus, the city is unrecognisable. Sworn enemies holding out hands in genuine friendship, families reconciled after years of hurt, sicknesses and evil spirits being cast out – the oppressed being set free. Real life is flooding back, John tells me that the whole economy of Jerusalem is being transformed – people aren't buying as much because they are sharing what they have meaning they have more money to give to the poor. I've noticed it already – there aren't as many beggars or homeless people. Of course it means that some corrupt businesses aren't doing as well and although people are going to the Temple in even bigger numbers, they aren't buying sacrifice animals as much – they don't need to, Jesus is their sacrifice. Just weeks ago, Jesus had to use force to to get rid of the traders so that the women and Gemtiles could worship. Today the traders had gone and the courts were full of all nations praising God.

Jesus did amazing miracles over these last three years, but this is even more extraordinary. This fire isn't just changing a few lives.

This could change the world and I don't think even the powers of hell can stop it.

Extract 97
Of course, there are some who still refuse to see what is in front of their eyes. All they see is a loss of income or an eroding of authority – they don't see that it was income from ungodly business or authority based on power & tyranny - but nonetheless, eventually they will fight back I'm sure. Even now, in the midst of this incredible blessing there are complaints! Those who a few weeks ago had nothing, now complaining that they aren't receiving as much as others! Of course, until they receive the real gift, their stomachs may be better fed, but their hearts will remain cold, immune to the warming love of Jesus.

Peter and the others have appointed seven administrators to help distribute the food and money being given to help the poor. I understand the reason, but we're supposed to be a radically new kingdom rooted in the love of God – and it's working! If we're not careful we'll simply become an alternative to the old priesthood and synagogue system.

Pentecost

Extract 93
It’s as if he’s back! We were gathered together as we’ve done so many times these last weeks – waiting, praying, worshiping God. It was the same room we had shared that final Passover in. I was just thinking how strongly I could feel Jesus' presence and as I closed my eyes I could see Him wildly running around, chasing the children or play-fighting with his friends.

Then suddenly I realised that it was real. I opened my eyes to see what looked like a storm in the room. A wild, untamed wind blew around us and flames, fanned by the wind seemed to dance on each person. It wasn’t frightening, it was playful and powerful, uncontrolled yet ordered. I recognised that kind strength. My mind turned back to what John had said: ‘he will baptise you with the Spirit and with fire’.

My heart leaped. It was Jesus, it was God. I went to shout out my news to the others in the room, but as I opened my mouth a joy welled up from deep within me and I began to worship God in a language I had never heard before. We were so excited that we spilled out of the house into the street – going up to strangers and telling them the extraordinary news that Jesus is alive and that he has come back forever!

Extract 94
At first the people didn’t understand what was happening, most assumed we were drunk – babbling in languages they didn’t understand. But as things settled down it became obvious what God was doing. Jerusalem was full of people from all nations and whatever their native language, one of was proclaiming Jesus in their language. Peter took the lead and using his booming voice explained it: ‘These people aren’t drunk – it’s only mid-afternoon’. To be honest, knowing some of Jesus friends, that wouldn’t have persuaded me, but he went on: ‘this is what Joel said “in these last days, God will pour out his Spirit on all people... and they will prophecy” God is proclaiming his goodness, his plan to everyone in their own language – now you have no excuse’. It was incredible – Peter speaking with knowledge, teaching from scripture with authority. Just days ago he was a broken man, unsure of himself, convinced he was useless to God.

Now here he was, filled and anointed by the Spirit of Jesus, feeding his sheep.

Extract 95
I wake up every day with Jesus! No more goodbyes, no more anxiety about what will happen next to him. No more times of loneliness when he was away with his disciples. 'I will be with you always' he said – and he meant it! But it's so much more than having him in the house with me. Of course that's wonderful and fills me with joy every new day, but it's as if I can see in colour now rather than in shades of grey. Now when I look ahead I can see not only with my eyes, but with a spiritual sight that I can't explain. God giving me knowledge and wisdom beyond anything I could have seen with my eyes or understood with my mind. And the certainty of his presence gives me the confidence to act on that insight. Knowing he will pick me up if I fall, redirect me if I go the wrong way.

And it isn't just me – it's everyone who lets my son touch them with his love! And that's more and more people every day – small groups of friends, families, whole villages, even some of the priests and leaders of the people. It seems like everyone is finally rejoicing that Jesus is alive – and being transformed to be like him as his Spirit grabs hold of them!

Ascension

Extract 90
Jesus has told us all to meet him on the Mount of Olives. He hasn’t met with all of us since Passover. We’ve all wondered why he hasn’t just appeared to the authorities to prove them wrong once and for all. But he’s never been in the business of proving anything! He longs for us to be friends with him and with his Father and you can’t do that on the basis of proof and evidence. So for those who wouldn’t believe, who wouldn’t trust, he won’t force them by standing in front of them!

We have some friends who live in Emmaus and they were going home after the Passover weekend – distraught at what had happened to Jesus. As they were walking a ‘stranger’ joined them and explained how ‘the Christ must suffer’. They were amazed at his insight and felt closer to God than they had ever done before – they didn’t realize they were walking next to Him! When they got to Emmaus, Jesus made as if to continue – he’d revealed enough of himself to begin a relationship, now they had to choose to take the next step – he wouldn’t impose himself. I’m so glad they invited him in, so often in my life a lack of hospitality has led to pain and separation. But not this time, as Jesus shared a meal with them and broke bread, they recognized him for who he was.

That’s the way it works, a gradual revelation, a step of faith then a full revealing. Hopeless, they had walked away from Jerusalem, the Place of Peace. But now, friends with Jesus, they are back here, full of hope, waiting on the hillside with the rest of us for one final meeting.

Extract 91
He’s gone – as we watched he was lifted into heaven. Still my son, yet so much more. The Son of God, just as Gabriel told me. He said that only if he left could the Holy Spirit come, he said that it was better for us that way. He said he would be with us always, even to the end of this age.

But my son is gone and for now I can’t see beyond that.

Extract 92
John seems to understand how I feel – how he has changed! Still the ‘son of thunder’, still with that zeal, that strength and focus, but more than any of the others, he seems to know my Jesus. Peter seems to be taking the lead, but it’s John who is holding the ship on course! Jesus told us that he had been given all authority and that we were to go into the whole world and make disciples of all nations. Many of the men thought that was a mandate to go and start a revolution. Peter knew that wasn’t what he meant but it was John who explained it. In any case, Jesus told us to wait in Jerusalem until we receive authority from the Holy Spirit before we do anything. No one knows exactly what that means or how long we must wait.

I know about waiting, but the others aren’t quite there yet!

Barbeque

Extract 87
These are strange but wonderful days. Jesus keeps appearing to us and the other disciples, teaching more about what has just happened and preparing us for what is to come. Mary is utterly transformed! From a broken woman without any sense of self-worth she has a grace and assurance that makes me understand ‘shalom’ in a new and deeper way.

Jesus gave her back her dignity – more, he gave all women a new calling. ‘Tell my brothers’ he told her in the garden. Jesus, God’s son, entrusting this ‘sinful’ woman with the greatest news, the highest truth there will ever be. Mary, teach the men! At first Peter was offended, but it quickly passed – he is too aware of his own inability to handle truth right now to worry about it.

Extract 88
Of course, I’m staying with John now. I’m sure he’d rather be with Peter and James, planning where they will go and how they will change the world! They still don’t quite understand Jesus’ ways yet, but they are getting there slowly! We’ve just come back from the beach – I went to welcome John and the boat after the night’s fishing – and to see if there were any fish for breakfast! When I got there I could see that there was already a fire and someone was cooking fish. Jesus waved me to join him. I needn’t have worried about the food, there was so much! He seems so much more relaxed, we have time to talk, mother and son and so much more than that.

The nail prints in his hand a permanent reminder of just how much more.

Extract 89
Finally the boat appeared in the half-light and we heard the men wondering who was on the beach. When John realized it was Jesus he quickly got his dry clothes from the stern of the boat and began to get dressed. Peter of course couldn’t wait he just dived into the water all but naked!

He seemed to have second thoughts as he climbed onto the beach to face Jesus - it must have been the first time they had had time to speak personally since Jesus’ resurrection. How close Peter had come to being the one to betray Jesus. When he told the servant girl that he didn’t know Jesus he was telling more of the truth than he knew. Of course if he’d really known my Jesus, he wouldn’t have been worried about meeting him half naked!

Sound carries so far along the beach, reflected from the water. We didn’t mean to hear, but Jesus put his arm around Peter and asked simply ‘do you now love me for who I am Peter, or are you still insisting on me being who you think I should be?’ Peter almost choked as he answered. ‘Jesus, you know I am your friend’. Jesus nodded and said ‘Then feed my sheep.’ Peter was in turmoil, not knowing what it meant or what to do. Jesus called after him: ‘Peter, do you love me without conditions?’ Peter, so aware of his great professions of faith in the past and his failure to deliver when it mattered couldn’t bring himself to make such a promise. ‘Jesus, you know me. I’m your friend’. From the anguish it was causing him I’m sure he felt that it was an admission of failure. Jesus didn’t see it like that: ‘Feed my lambs’ he said. Then before Peter could respond he lowered his voice so that we could barely hear: ‘Peter, are you really my friend?’ That did it. All inhibitions gone, all fear of rejection cast aside, he crumpled in front of Jesus: ‘Jesus, you know all things you know that I am your friend’. Jesus pulled Peter to his feet and hugged him: ‘Then feed my sheep.

Peter, you once told me that you would die to stop me suffering. Now, one day you will die to share in my suffering.’

The Third Day

Extract 84
In just a few minutes it will be daybreak, the Sabbath will be over. My mind goes back to the Magi and the gifts they brought. Now of course I understand Myrrh. They knew. 'Must not the son of man suffer – and then be glorified?' How often we only hear what we want to hear.

So now, Mary and I will go to the tomb and anoint my son. Strange, I feel more for Mary than for myself. She has lost so much and had poured out so much on Jesus. How lost she looks. For her sake, I need to do this with her.

Extract 85
As we approached the tomb in the half-light, for a moment it seemed as if we were back at Bethany, outside Lazarus' tomb. Now I understood why Jesus had wept. Not for his friend who would soon be raised, but for death itself. For those who would, just a few days later, be stood outside his tomb.

My thoughts were scattered a moment later as an earthquake hit the garden. Both of us fell and when the dust settled we saw that the guards had gone and the stone was rolled away. A thrill went through my heart 'even the stones recognise him', but Mary was distressed assuming something even worse had happened. When we reached the tomb we couldn't see inside, it was still too dark, but one thing was clear. Jesus was not there. As we turned around two angels stood in place of the guards and asked simply 'Why do you seek the living amongst the dead?' Again my heart raced, could it really be? But Mary could not be consoled, could not hear anything other than what her mind and heart had told her for years. 'You are a worthless woman, nothing good ever happens for you – and when it does it is taken away'. Gently I led her back to the house, quietly giving thanks to God, frightened that my heart would overflow and sweep me away.

Extract 86
I'm in the house alone for a few minutes. Peter had come back whilst Mary and I were out. He looked ashamed and as soon as I told them about the empty tomb, he and John ran off for something to do. Mary couldn't stand the silence so she too has gone back to the garden.

But I don't need to. I know. It's the third day. I know Jesus, he'll deal with the boys later. But he'll want some time with Mary first. She needs healing, restoring. She needs to know that he will always be there for her.

That's what Jesus does. He puts the universe to one side to focus on the one. And he does it for everyone. A new covenant, in his blood. A new beginning, a new freedom, a new wholeness from his broken body.

It's getting light. The light of the world is back and nothing can ever put it out..

The Cross

Extract 82
I'm so angry. That wasn't a trial, it was a conspiracy to murder. Our Chief Priests and the Roman Governor and worse, the people Jesus healed, the ones he saved, the ones he has given his life to reach.. I can hardly speak about it. Pilate washed his hands. What a travesty, the man who mixed the blood of those he had killed with the Temple sacrifices, suddenly a convert to our rituals. 'What is truth' he dared ask of my son. My son is the truth! The truth is that frightened men have done what they always do. Kill and destroy what is good. But it's the ordinary people I can't understand. Jesus raised them up, he gave them real hope. But when Pilate offered to release Jesus, they asked for a thug instead. When Pilate declared himself innocent of Jesus' blood, they cursed themselves and all generations 'Let his blood be on us and on our children'. Fools! Don't they understand anything? He ordered Jesus to be beaten then crucified at noon. In less than an hour my son will be torn apart by those he loved. Mary and John tell me to stay in the house. But how can I? Of course a sword will pierce my heart, watching my son die. But the people have deserted him, his friends have deserted him. I'm his mother! How can I not be there?

Extract 83
It was strange. Awful,and yet, I don't know. More real than real. Somewhere deep inside me there is a peace, a shalom, that I can't explain.

My son is dead. I watched as his tortured body collapsed under the weight of the cross. My strong carpenter, unable to carry wood. I saw the hammer raised and a thousand times in my mind saw the nails pierce his wrists. I heard the crowd taunting him, the Chief Priests mocking. I heard the silence as the cross-piece of death was raised.

I was there. I heard the Officer declare Jesus to be the son of God as he witnessed his dignity. I heard Jesus tell John to look after me. I stood as that supernatural darkness covered the earth.

All of this should have destroyed me. But I felt as I did all those years ago when Gabriel was with me. Warmed by God’s presence, peaceful even in the middle of the storm. Now, on this most holy Sabbath of the year, it is as if God is somehow with me, not allowing this bruised reed to break. As I sit, the scriptures seem to be taking on a different shape. Jesus' words giving them new meaning. The third day he said. New wine, new wineskins, a surprising celebration on the third day.

And somewhere, beyond all reason, hope is alive in me again.

Betrayal

Extract 79
They've taken him. He didn't come back last night. None of them came back. John returned late this morning, he looked terrible and I knew something awful had happened. Judas has betrayed Jesus. He brought the Sanhedrin guard to Gethsemane and accused him of treason. We don't know what has happened since, Peter tried to start a fight, but Jesus wouldn't let him, now he's disappeared along with all the others.

It can't end like this, it can't.

Extract 80
Mary's come to be with me. She says that there was some sort of hearing of the Sanhedrin last night after Jesus was arrested. I can hardly believe it, our law doesn't allow trials after sunset, how can they accuse Jesus of breaking the law when they disregard it? Surely someone will come to their senses. If only Jesus had come home.

Extract 81
There's to be another trial. The Jewish authorities are demanding the death penalty, but they're afraid of the people so they want the Romans to do it. Pilate has agreed to the hearing being outside so that we Jews don't have to become unclean by entering the court building so close the Sabbath. Why would he do that? He hates us and our traditions. He must have already agreed to kill my son. I feel sick, how can it end like this? All those promises, all those words of hope that Jesus spoke. How could they mean this?

Passover

Extract 76
Passover at last, the sense of expectation is incredible, everyone expecting Jesus to declare himself the Messiah. Everyone thinks that in just a few days, we will be free of the Romans, free from oppression. I long to make it stop, but I know I can't. Anyway, tonight should be a welcome break from all the madness. Jesus, the family, his friends, celebrating God's goodness, the salvation of our God.

Extract 77
It was so moving. Jesus and some of his friends have gone on to Gethsemane to pray, I'm too full of such a wonderful night to sleep yet. Jesus led us through the meal. Our hosts had a young boy called John Mark and he had the honour of asking the questions 'Why this meal, why this night'. Then, as we ate, Mary came in weeping. She had a jar of perfume, I can't imagine how much it must have cost or what she must have sacrificed to buy it. But she brought it to where Jesus was. I expected her to unstop the jar and pour a little onto his feet, I imagine everyone who had seen her thought the same. But she didn't. With a crash that silenced the room, she broke the whole jar and added to the shock by uncovering her head, unpinning her hair like a prostitute. Then she washed his feet with her tears and with gasps from everyone, began to dry his feet with her hair. Finally, extravagantly, she anointed his feet with the Nard. It was such a wholehearted act of worship, so typical of this courageous woman, that no one spoke for a minute. Then Judas shattered the moment complaining at the waste, but Jesus rebuked him. 'What this woman has done is beautiful and prophetic, anointing me for burial'. And then what must have cut Judas who was always looking for fame; 'Mary's name and this act of kindness will be remembered in all generations.' My heart filled with pride and love for Mary and my son, but the rage in Judas eyes disturbed me.

In a moment he was gone and all that was left was the sweet fragrance of the perfume.

Extract 78
Eventually, the meal continued until at the end Jesus stood and moved from his place to the spare place set as always for Elijah. Early in the meal he had shocked us by changing one of the traditional prayers when he blessed the bread, speaking of brokenness. Now he did something that had never been done before. He took the cup poured for Elijah and said 'This is the cup of the New Covenant, which is sealed in my blood, shed for many for the remission of sin' then he passed the cup to each of us to drink from. No-one knows what it means but the world seemed to stop as he spoke. A new covenant, the law fulfilled, a new beginning for us all.

Perhaps there is hope in this Passover after all.

Palm Sunday

Extract 74
The whole crowd had gone to Jerusalem today – they were beginning to look for somewhere to celebrate Passover, there are too many of us to hold it here. They came back so excited and talking of revolution, it scared me all over again. Apparently Jesus had gone to the temple and as usual the outer courts that are supposed to be for women and non-Jews were filled with market stalls. Jesus took the belt off his coat and used it as a whip to drive off the traders, then he overturned the tables, making way for people to worship God again. So now he has the full set. All the signs the prophets told us to look for in the Messiah. Cleansing lepers, healing a man born blind, raising the dead. And now an overwhelming zeal for the house of the Lord. The people aren't stupid, they're convinced now. So am I, I just don't think he's the sort of Messiah they're looking for.

They're still hearing what they want to hear.

Extract 75
One week to Passover and the whole area is in turmoil with expectation. Jesus sent a couple of them into Jerusalem and they've come back with a donkey and the news has gone out. ‘Behold your King, riding on a donkey’. We walked up from Bethany to the top of the Mount of Olives and as we came over the top the sight was amazing. Thousands of people – it seemed like the whole of Jerusalem, lining the path, hoping, waiting. Part of me wanted to join them, rejoicing that my son has found such a willing response, but most of me knows how quickly adulation can turn to hatred. But all those thoughts were swept aside when in full view of the crowd, Jesus took this unbroken donkey, threw a blanket on it and mounted. I imagine most people expected the donkey to throw him straight off again, but instead it seemed to recognise who wanted to ride him. As they started to move down the mountain an extraordinary cheer broke from the crowd. Someone cried out 'Hosanna to the son of David, blessed is he comes in the name of the Lord' It was a cry that was taken up all round the crowd as people threw their coats into the path or cut down palm leaves to pave the way. As we made our way down, the authorities were desperate to stop what must be looking to the Romans like the start of a revolution and demanded that Jesus silence the crowd. The donkey recognised who he was, the people recognised him. It seemed to me that even the earth recognised him. He responded 'If I tell the people to stop, the stones will cry out'.

The people cheered all the more and the authorities had no answer.

Lost Things

Extract 72
What a wonderful week. Everyone wanted to talk with Lazarus, ask all the obvious questions. He just shook his head. 'One day I will die again, we must all face death, but I know that Jesus will never leave me, that he will raise me up on that last day'. And of course Jesus took the opportunity of all the visitors to carry on teaching about the kingdom. There seemed to be more urgency, not impatience exactly, but a new cutting edge to all he said. I wish I could remember it all, but I suppose that which is important to us is what we hold onto best. He told the story of a persistent widow who nagged until she got what she wanted. As he told the story he looked at me, no doubt thinking back to that wedding in Cana when I was the nagging widow! Then again, looking at me, the poignant story of the builder about to start build a tower. 'Would he not first pause to count the cost to see if he was able to pay the price'. He's my son, but he understands so much of what I feel, what it has cost us as a family.

I can barely imagine what it is costing him.

Extract 73
But my favourite was the story of the lost things. Jesus started it as any Rabbi might have done, two stories with the same message to get our attention, then the climax with the third story. He told us about a shepherd who had one hundred sheep. That got a lot of smiles, we're only four miles from the fields of Bethlehem where there were thousands of sheep being prepared for Passover. But one of the sheep got lost, so the shepherd left the ninety nine and when he found the lost sheep, carried it back. He was so pleased that he had a party with his friends. That got lots of smiles too, they're a strange bunch, but they always enjoy a party! Then the second story following the pattern. A woman lost one of the ten coins from her wedding headdress. She ripped the house apart until she found it, then when she did, she invited her friends round for a party. Lots more laughter. Then Jesus began the third story. We all knew how it would go, something of great worth would be lost, there would be a 'do whatever it takes' search then a party when it was found. So he began 'Once there was a man with two sons'. He didn't get any further. Peter, always impatient for the food to really begin, stood up and said. 'Yes, we know, one of the sons gets lost, the Father goes off and searches for him, then when he finds him, he comes home and they have a party'. Jesus smiled and told the story. Yes, one of the sons got lost. Yes, he was lonely and miserable and longed to be home. Yes there was a party when he returned. But nobody searched.

There was silence. If a sheep is worth seeking, if a coin is worth seeking why did he change the story when a son was lost?

Lazarus

Extract 69
Lazarus died during the night. It's awful. Not only do we have to cope with the grief of losing such a dear friend but there's the unspoken accusation from the girls. Your son. Our friend. Why? I have no answers. So many deaths, so much pain, so much I don't understand. Where does this end? When do we see this kingdom of yours? How much more must we endure?

Extract 70
Jesus and his disciples arrived today, four days too late. The girls wouldn't go to see him at first. Martha and Mary, the most hospitable people I know, couldn't bring themselves to welcome him. Eventually Martha went and Jesus must have said something to her because she was able to persuade Mary to greet him as well. Finally, we all went to the tomb. I watched Jesus closely. He'd been saying to everyone that Lazarus would be raised from the dead. That he'd waited until he had died so that we could all witness this greater miracle. It sounded absurd even to me. So I watched him as we drew close to the tomb. As he saw the stone, sealed and immovable, the finality of death, as he heard the women begin to weep again, tears flooded down his face. I heard the whispers. 'See how much he loved him, a pity he couldn't have come sooner and healed him'. But he hadn't wept when he heard that Lazarus had died, he seemed genuinely to believe that this could end well.

So why the tears? It seemed to me that it was the scene at the tomb not the death of his friend that was moving him. Why Jesus, why?

Extract 71
I hardly need to write what happened next, everyone knows! Jesus turned to the servants and told them to roll back the stone. We were all horrified. Martha was first to react 'No, Jesus, please' then trying to think of a reason to stop this from getting any worse 'he's been dead four days, the body will have started to decompose...'. More than a reason, the hint of an accusation, a warning – you could have played a part in this, but you chose not to, now stop trying to make it alright, it's too late. But in the gentle way Jesus has, he persisted. 'Lazarus is not dead, death does not have the last word' and I remembered the little girl and hope rose in me again. I looked at Martha and held her gaze. Eventually she nodded and the servants reluctantly rolled the stone back. Jesus stepped forward, lifted his hands and prayed. Everyone was nervous, superstition mingled with anticipation but none of us was prepared for what happened. As he finished praying Jesus called out in a loud voice 'Lazarus, come out'. It was so extraordinary, yet so natural. It sounded as if he were calling to his friend to come out of the house to see something interesting.

But he wasn't he was calling to a man four days dead. For the longest moment there was nothing but growing anticlimax and disappointment. Then from the shadows, movement and Lazarus, struggling with the burial bandages stumbled into the light. No-one moved, there were no cheers, no cries, nothing. Lazarus stumbled forward and Jesus spoke gently again. 'Friends, unbind him'.

Sometimes with Jesus there is a greater miracle on offer than mere healing. In our desperation to avoid the pain of death we had almost missed the joy of resurrection.

Bethany

Extract 65
So we journey on to Jerusalem for another Passover. There was a big debate this time about whether Jesus should go – we still don't know for sure if he will celebrate in the city or whether he will stay at our friends in Bethany. The crowds love him and that offers a kind of protection, but we know the authorities are terrified that he will start a revolution. God knows the people are ready for it – if he gave the word they would fight to a man. He won't of course, I know enough to know that it isn't that kind of kingdom he keeps talking about. But even his closest friends seem convinced that he's some kind of military leader. We keep hearing what we want to hear and it can only lead to trouble.

Extract 66
We separated last night, Jesus and his disciples staying in the village, still debating whether to go to Jerusalem or not. We arrived in Bethany this morning, it is always so lovely to see Lazarus and his sisters, they have become so special to us over these last three years. So supportive of Jesus, so hospitable when the rest of the world is so demanding. Martha and Mary welcomed us with their usual warmth, but Lazarus is not well – we're hoping he'll recover enough to come with us to Passover just three weeks from now.

Extract 67
Lazarus is worse this morning. I've seen this fever before, it's so like the one Joseph had and I'm frightened for these dear friends. I haven't said anything to the girls, but I've sent my boys to tell Jesus.

Extract 68
Jesus still hasn't come. Mary and Martha know now that I sent for him, and still he hasn't come. Lazarus thinks that the authorities will kill him if he's anywhere near Jerusalem. I didn't realise it was this bad, but even so, this is his closest friend and Mary and Martha don't understand why he doesn't come.

If I'm honest, nor do I.

Mary of Magdala

Extract 63
Every year we still go to Jerusalem for Passover. The boys tell me that I shouldn't, that I'm too old for the journey. It's true that I'm almost 50 but whilst I can, I will still go. It always inspires me, I haven't lost that little girl's excitement at what God did to save his people all those years ago. And somehow I can't escape from the feeling that I am part of the story. So we go. The journey is a great time of holiday, catching up with old friends, time to talk, to try and make sense of all that is happening. And of course time to be with Jesus. Even so he spends a lot of the time with his disciples and friends but we get some wonderful moments together. We talk about happy days from the past, about the strange group of friends he has gathered and recently, I tease him about Mary.

Extract 64
I like Mary, she's so wholehearted. I guess that's what has so often got her into trouble. She can't just dip her toe into anything, it has to be all or nothing. In the past, men, the occult, who knows what else. In the best times she was sneered at, mocked and abused. By the time things had got really bad she was homeless, friendless and at the mercy of everything evil. Mary of Magdala – a name used by mothers to warn daughters, by fathers to strike fear into sons. Many of my friends are surprised at how well we get on, they think I should be nervous of her influence on Jesus, wary of the rumours that might damage his growing reputation. But I like her - no, I love her. If God's plans for me had been delayed a generation, I could so easily see Gabriel standing in front of this Mary, inviting her to be the mother of God's son. But it doesn't stop me teasing Jesus! I know there can never be more than a deep friendship, a brother-sister relationship. Jesus healed her, freed her, rescued her and his calling doesn't include marriage and children.

It hurts to know this, but it doesn't stop me teasing him!

Jairus

Extract 59
It wasn't over then. A short while later news spread that Jesus had freed a demonised man in Gerasa and that they were all on their way back. By the time they returned, the crowd was even bigger than in the morning. As the disciples and Jesus got out of the boat they were immediately swallowed by the crowd. I feared then that he would be crushed, so many people pressing against him. Then there was a cry from the far side of the crowd and incredibly a path was made through to Jesus. We realised it must be someone of importance and then the someone recognised him – it was Jairus the ruler of the local Synagogue. Immediately my mind went back to that moment in our synagogue. The crowd kept me from my son, it didn't help when the Synagogue leaders wanted to kill him but now they parted to make way for this one. But my anger melted when I heard his story. His 12 year old daughter was dying. They'd tried everything, spent everything and now he was humbling himself before Jesus, pleading for him to come and heal his daughter.

I'll never forget the change in his face when Jesus said yes. From despair to hope. I knew that change.

I prayed for him and his daughter.

Extract 60
They turned to go and out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman, forcing her way through the crowd, obviously desperate. Just as Jesus turned to leave, with the last bit of strength, she finally got close enough to touch the edge of his clothes. Immediately the crowd swallowed her again, by now she was on her knees and I was afraid she would get trampled. But Jesus stopped and asked 'Who touched me?' It seemed an extraordinary question. Everyone was touching him, he could barely move for people. But he didn't mean physical touch, he meant that someone had touched him with faith, with the raw pleading that comes when all else has gone. Realising she could not hide, the woman stood up slowly, discovering as she did that she had been healed. No longer hesitant she began to pour out her story. For 12 years she had bled, drained of strength, unclean, isolated and hopeless.

Until she touched Jesus.

Extract 61
Jairus was beside himself, now he knew that Jesus could heal, but instead of hurrying to his daughter, Jesus sat down with this woman and insisted that she tell him her whole story. It was wonderful to witness this woman being healed and restored. I understand isolation and loneliness - my heart melted as my son gently drew her back into society. Giving her back her body had taken a second, giving her back her dignity, her self-worth took much longer!

Here with this important man waiting, Jesus gave her his full attention. I've never seen anything like it.

Extract 62
After what seemed like an age, she drew her story to a close. Fully restored she stood up, head held high, surrounded by new friends. Jesus and Jairus turned again to go to his house, but as they did so, some servants arrived from their home with dreadful news. 'There's no point troubling the teacher any more. Your daughter is dead'. It was brutal, final, in such contrast to the joy we had just witnessed. I can't imagine how Jairus must have felt. He'd seen Jesus heal, if he had gone straight away... But Jesus was calm 'Just keep believing, your daughter will be well, this death isn't the final word'. We followed of course, but only Jairus and Jesus’ closest friends went into the house. I found myself standing next to Hannah, the woman who had just been healed. We held hands and prayed together for this devastated family. After a few minutes the sound of wailing from the mourners changed to shrieks then someone burst out of the house and shouted 'She's alive!' and then Jairus appeared with the little girl in his arms, clearly well and wondering what all the fuss was about. The crowd became silent and one by one we knelt in awe and worship.

Quietly Hannah turned to me and whispered 'Your son Mary, who is he?' then finally, 'Twelve years I suffered, twelve years this girl brought joy. Two people from opposite sides of society, from opposite sides of the crowd. Two of us in desperate need drawn to your son. He calms storms, casts out demons, heals the sick, raises the dead. Who is he Mary?'

Threat

Extract 56
News of the miracle spread quickly. No-one thinks of him as my son anymore, everyone wants to claim him as theirs. Everyone has an opinion about who he is, what he should do, whose side he is on. Everyone thinks they own him. It's so dangerous. He offends our own religious leaders yet some of them openly follow him. Even the wife of Herod's Chief of Staff supports his work. Already there are rumours that the Romans are fearful of his influence. They've put down so many rebellions, killed so many 'Christs'. In truth, I'm frightened for him.

They killed John, if they could find a way, I'm afraid they'll kill my son.

Extract 57
I couldn't stand it any more, I told James and the boys to come with me, to reason with him, help him understand that the way he is going will get him killed. That there must be a way of accomplishing his mission without this. But when we got to where he was I was shocked, the crowd was larger than I had ever seen – it seemed as if the whole of Israel was listening to my son. Jesus looked exhausted, we tried to push our way through, but we couldn't get to him. In the end we passed a message from hand to hand pleading with him to come home. When he heard the message that his mother and brothers were in the crowd, he looked up and sadly shook his head. 'My mother and my brothers are those who understand God's word and allow me to fulfill it'.

I understood, our eyes met and my heart broke one more time.

Extract 58
We stayed a while, to listen, to watch the crowd I suppose. But soon, Jesus and his disciples moved through the crowd towards the lake and got into a boat. We all followed them. Sometimes I knew, Jesus would preach from a boat so that more people could crowd around and hear. But not this time, he really was exhausted and as soon as they were ready, Jesus lay down in the back of the boat and the fishermen in his group set sail to give him some rest. The crowd gradually turned away, realising the show was over. But just as we were leaving someone shouted 'Look over there!' We turned and my heart stopped. The sky over the lake had darkened, a howling storm was sweeping towards the boat. I know lakes, I know storms and I had never seen anything like this. We stood transfixed as the storm hit the boat. They had almost no time to do anything. It was far from the shore now – almost half way to Gerasa and all we could see was the sail come down and the boat turn towards the waves. It didn't seem anything like enough. Two or three times we saw it swamped by waves, almost overturned, and with each larger wave the boat sank a little more. Minutes ago I had tried to save Jesus from men, now it seemed the very powers of hell had been unleashed.

And then it stopped. Not gradually, not a normal abating of wind and waves. It just stopped. And there standing in the prow was Jesus.

He's my son, but who is he?

Picnic

Extract 54
With John gone, Jesus suddenly seems to be more prominent. The crowds that used to go to John, now follow my son. Everyone wants to know what it all means. Was John a prophet, was he Elijah or one of the other prophets? They know now that he wasn't the Messiah because the Messiah can't die, but there seem to be more questions in his death than when he was alive.

We went into the hills yesterday to be with Jesus. It was extraordinary. People from all the villages had come, thousands of us, all there to hear what Jesus would say. He astounded us. 'John was the last prophet of the old covenant'. What did he mean, 'old' there is only one covenant? Then he went on to explain – he had us spellbound. So many stories, so much of his humour, so much from his childhood. 'If your friend has a plank in his eye, take the speck out of your own first', 'if you're building a house, don't build it on sand!', 'look at the flowers, not even Solomon was dressed like these'. He had a word for everyone, we all felt we were in the presence of someone special.

Extract 55
None of us wanted to go back to the ordinariness of our lives. We wanted to stay in his presence, to feel the warmth of his words, bathe in the love of God. By the time any of us realised, it was too late for many families to get home and prepare a meal. Some of Jesus friends started to argue, one of them urged Jesus to send us all home but I could see that look in Jesus eye. 'I've fed them all day, you feed them now'. Most of them panicked, trying to work out how much it would cost, where they could buy food, what they already had and how many it would feed. It was so funny, I could see Jesus looking, hoping to see faith in return. And he found it. Not in any of his friends, but in a small boy – he ran up to Jesus and offered him his lunch – a couple of small fish and a piece of bread. It was a precious moment, we didn't know whether to laugh or cry! Jesus friends weren't impressed though, they dismissed him crossly. Suddenly Jesus was angry, not at the boy, but his disciples. 'Never stop children coming to me, he's come to me with what he has, he's come to me with faith – just as you should have done.'

What happened next will live with us all forever. Jesus took the food and gave thanks to God then he began to divide it and pass it out to us all. It just kept coming. Every one got fed and the food kept coming. In the end we gathered up baskets full of food left over after everyone was full. At first we just enjoyed the food and then we began to understand what was happening.

The last person to feed the people with food from nowhere was Moses. The man who saved his people.

Goodbye

Extract 52
I have to go to Elizabeth, there's terrible news. Herod's had John in prison for weeks now – we'd almost got used to it. Herod's wife was behind it of course, she couldn't stand John stirring up the people against her relationship with her husbands' brother. But we thought it was just to teach John a lesson. We thought that after a few weeks he would be released with a warning. We were hoping that he'd feel he'd made his point and settle down a bit. Jesus tried to warn us all, he sent a message to John using the same reading from Isaiah that he preached on in our synagogue. We saw it as an encouragement, I suppose we heard what we wanted. 'The blind will see, the lame walk, joy for those who mourn, garlands of praise, the anointing Spirit of God. But the message wasn't in what he said but in what he missed out. The prisoners being set free.

Yesterday, John was beheaded.

Extract 53
Thirty years ago I made this journey with fear and excitement in my heart. Gabriel had told me that Elizabeth was pregnant – after all those years of waiting, hope and faith had been fulfilled. Then, Elizabeth's condition confirmed my own. Now I have come again and I fear that Elizabeth's loss will all too soon confirm my own.

I have no words that can console, only more tears.

Wedding

Extract 49
I love weddings! Maybe it's because I never had a proper one, maybe this time I'm so excited because Jesus will be there. Joanna, one of our cousins from Cana has a daughter getting married and we've all been invited. Jesus has to attend as head of our household – not that I care why, I haven't seen him since that dreadful day at the Synagogue, it will be nice to relax and celebrate again. Of course he won't be there alone. He seems to have gathered a strange group of friends, from what I hear, they're not the sort of group you'd choose to have at a party. Tax Collectors are bad news at any time, not exactly guaranteed to bring joy to a party! But I'm most worried about the Zealots in the group. They're basically terrorists hiding behind a political party. They scare me – I just hope there won't be any trouble.

Extract 50
There was trouble, but not the sort I had feared. On the third day of the party, they ran out of wine. Maybe Jesus' friends drank more than planned, maybe there were just more people because of the 12 of them. Whatever, the wine ran out. Joanna was desperate, the shame was too much for her. I knew what it was like not to be offered hospitality, I knew what it was like to have your dreams of a proper wedding shattered by shame. I couldn't stand it. I went to Jesus and explained the problem. He wrestled with it – he said 'it's not my time' – he thought I'd understand that, it's what we had told him when he was 12. But if it's time to leave home, if it's time to begin ministry, it's time to start replacing shame with honour. My eyes pleaded. Still he hesitated. 'What's this to do with me' he tried. I wanted to scream 'everything', it's got everything to do with you. Do you know how I longed for a proper wedding instead of a quick prayer? Do you know how much I long for your wedding, knowing there won't be one? Do you know what it feels like to have your friends and family ashamed of you? I can't bear any more – do something! My voice remained silent, but my eyes blazed. Tears began to fill Jesus eyes, he put his hand on my shoulder and nodded. I turned and told the servants to do whatever he said.

Extract 51
I don't know what I expected him to do. I'm not even sure what he did. The next I heard the chief steward was shouting for everyone's attention. Poor Joanna, she must have thought he had discovered there was no more wine – she had seen a servant taking him a cup of water. He banged the cup on the table and said 'At ordinary parties, they serve the best wine at the beginning then when everyone's too drunk to notice they serve up what might as well be water.' I thought Joanna was going to faint and my own heart sank. But before I could go to help, he carried on 'but in this great house, your hospitality knows no bounds – you've saved the best wine till last'. There was clapping and cheering, and a great deal more drinking. I looked at Joanna, happier and taller than I'd ever seen her before, I saw her daughter with her new husband laughing and dancing. And then I saw Jesus. He'd been watching me the whole time. He had that mischievous twinkle in his eye and a gentle smile on his face. He walked across the room and as he passed by he whispered

'New wine. New wineskins. A surprising celebration on the third day. You're right, it has everything to do with me'

Synagogue

Extract 47
It’s been three months since his baptism. Three months since we saw him. We’ve heard lots of rumours – that he’s joined the Essene community out in the desert, that he’d gone mad – fasting for 40 days, that angels have taken him away, of amazing miracles in Capernaum. I suppose one day he will tell us. All I know for now is that yesterday he came home! There we were, Leah and me preparing for Sabbath and there he was. As if he had never been away – the smiles, the greetings, the questions to the boys about the business.

But for every thing that is the same there is something that is different. The same smile and laugh, but with a different glint in his eye. The same kind strength but with a resolve that scares me. I love my son, I know him so well. But who is this that has come home? My Jesus and yet more than my Jesus. My son and yet so much more than my son.

Anyway, I don’t know how long he will be here, but I’m determined to enjoy every minute!

Extract 48
We went to synagogue together. As we entered the attendant handed Jesus the scroll. I guess everyone wanted to know what had happened and this gave Jesus the chance to speak. When the moment came everyone was quiet. He stood and read from Isaiah. ‘The Spirit of Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me’. As he spoke it seemed to me not to be a reading from some long dead prophet but a simple statement of fact. Of course it’s a famous passage, everyone loves the hope it brings. But equally everyone is fed up hearing inspirational sermons that come to nothing or political speeches that end in riots or worse. When he finished reading we all held our breath to see which it would be. Slowly Jesus sat down and then in a quiet voice that I could hardly hear he simply said this. ‘Today, in your hearing this scripture is fulfilled’. For a moment we waited for him to continue. Then we realised that he was the sermon. He meant that he was anointed by the spirit to preach good news to the poor, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favour, to bind up the broken hearted. Of course, many of them had seen the Spirit come to him when he was baptised, so there was much agreeing as they understood his words. I was so excited, the people who had so often rejected my son, were openly approving. But of course we all wanted to know what it meant, where he had been, whether the rumours were true. So he started. ‘You’ve heard rumours about mighty works? Well, why did I not do them here? Because you think you know me, but you don’t. “A prophet is not without honour, except in his own country”. But God has always been for all nations – that’s why Elijah was sent to a widow from Nain’. I didn’t hear the rest, I could see the approval drain away, the old hostilities rise. ‘Who are you to instruct us? We know you; you’re only a carpenter – Joseph’s son – and maybe not even that’. As Jesus continued to chastise us for our lack of commitment to God’s plan – that we should be a blessing to the nations, the anger rose. Eventually a crowd of the men took hold of Jesus and wrestled him out of the synagogue. We tried desperately to intervene, but they were wild, racing off with Jesus up the hill. I felt so helpless, my son and I can do nothing but watch as they half drag him to a place were they can kill him. After a few moments they were out of sight then suddenly, just as I was dreading hearing the worst, back came Jesus, simply walking through the crowd, unharmed, with every impression of being in control of the situation.

I’m not sure what frightened me most, the crowds reaction or the authority that seems to rest on Jesus.

Baptism

Extract 44
Things are changing again. At least I recognise the signs now. Jesus has his brothers doing more of the day to day running of the business. John is gathering larger crowds and annoying more people with his preaching. But Herod is getting stronger too. He's already taken control of two provinces and had the Romans appoint him king. Now, not satisfied with stealing his brother's territory, he's stolen his wife. I know he cares little for our traditions and less still for God, but this is dangerous – the people are incensed. And John is right in the middle of it. Not content with upsetting our leaders, he’s now railing against Herod, prophesying against him – more and more the people see him as a rallying point, as a political leader. I’m frightened for him.
And for Jesus. He went today. I’d seen it coming but it’s still so hard to let go. It feels like I’ve lost so much already – I’m his mother, I want to protect, to build home, to shelter. But I think back to that first night. When Gabriel stood there, full of authority and God’s power – waiting for a young girl to give her permission. So I’ve learned this about love. It doesn’t cling, it doesn’t insist on its own way, it sets free, it trusts. But it still hurts.

Extract 45
I went with him as far as the Jordan. John was there of course, along with the usual crowds and a cohort of the palace guard – keeping an eye on things. As we began to move through the crowd John seemed to know we were there. For a long moment time seemed to stop and slowly the crowds turned their heads towards us. Then with a deep sigh John spoke. ‘Behold. The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world’. Then he pointed at Jesus. ‘This is the one I keep telling you about. The one whose sandal I am unworthy to untie. The one.’ The crowd held its breath, then Jesus broke the spell - with a huge smile on his face he splashed into the water and clapped John on the back. ‘It’s time. I’ve come to be baptised’. John was horrified. ‘I need to be baptised by you, not you by me!’. But Jesus laughed and shook his head. ‘Let’s fulfill the law John, this baptism of yours, it’s about making right choices – right? So we can do this can’t we?’. As the light dawned, John nodded again and together with Jesus walked deeper into the river. Then he put his big arms around my son and baptised him.

The crowd must have seen it a hundred times that week. Declaring afresh your trust in God, committing yourself to walk a different path, pleading with God to cleanse you with more than water. But as Jesus was plunged beneath the water it seemed so much more. My heart stopped. It looked for a moment as if he was gone. Not a washing, but a burial. I think the crowd felt something too, there was an extraordinary hush – a collective holding of breath. Then just as suddenly, the water broke and Jesus shook his hair, spraying droplets everywhere. We all let out a gasp and out of nowhere a dove hovered over Jesus before resting on his shoulder. It looked for all the world as Noah’s dove must have done when for the first time it found dry land.

Once more God’s Spirit has found a place to rest.

Extract 46
As we watched in awe with a supernatural silence all around, a voice spoke – it seemed to reverberate off the hills – ‘This is my son, in whom I am well pleased’. Jesus turned his head and looked into my eyes. My son. His Father. Then he was gone, without a word, striding out into the wilderness. I remembered Joseph’s words all those years ago at Passover. ‘I’m proud of you’. Jesus left us then when he was 12, but the time wasn’t right and he came back with us. This is different, now the time has fully come and I know he isn’t coming back. I began to cry then I felt a hand on my shoulder. James, strong, resolute James. ‘Come home mother’.

And so I went, leaving some of my heart behind.

John

Extract 42
Elizabeth has been so supportive over these last few years. Jesus has taken on the role of head of house, but the visits of my dear cousin are precious. She's had her own troubles of course-Zechariah died the same year as Joseph, but now John has left home too.
She is so worried for him. He should have been a priest, but they both knew that God had a different plan, so they declared him a Nazarite -dedicated to God from birth. All of which was fine, but he seems to have gone wild! We know him well but he scares me a little - his hair, his clothes, but above all his absolute unbending zeal for God - it's hard to explain - I first saw it in Abel and I’ve always recognised it in Jesus. And now, increasingly in myself. It's the strength that comes from knowing God and resolutely following his word. Maybe we're all like Abel - all builders in God’s kingdom - with a few scars collected along the way.

Extract 43
Anyway, he’s gone – down by the Jordan, living wild, looking wild. The people love him – there’s the usual rumour that maybe he’s the Messiah – he’s quick to deny that but there’s no denying that something special is happening down there. I went with Elizabeth, we just stayed on the edge of the crowd and watched. It’s amazing, people from every walk of life, business people mixing with fishermen, money-changers with some of the religious leaders. All listening to the same message of hope. That the kingdom is at hand! John stands there shouting out ‘Prepare the way of the Lord, change your lives, get ready for the king who is coming’. Of course most people would love to have more control of their lives – see the Roman’s kicked out, the chains of the law loosened a bit, some basic justice. No wonder they love him! But the authorities feel threatened and that’s dangerous. Whilst we were there some Scribes came down, pretending to be interested, but John saw straight through them. He shouted at them ‘Who warned you, you brood of vipers, go and change your lives, then come back’. The crowd cheered and they slunk away, the crowd saw it as a victory and cheered all the more. Elizabeth and I know differently.

Oh God, why can’t your people see?

One carpenter

Extract 41
And now one. The fever came and took him quickly. So strong - my strength for these 20 years. But no longer. Part of me died with him. My Joseph, my kind, strong carpenter.

How quickly time goes, how frail and fleeting we are - it seems only a moment since that first day and now, here I am, not an eager girl, but a widow.

Only one carpenter in Nazareth today.

Learning Obedience

Extract 38
I'm writing now because I know I won't get chance tomorrow. I can hardly imagine where the time has gone! Jesus 12! No longer a growing boy but a young man in his own right. We're going up to Jerusalem for the Passover to celebrate - I'm longing to go to the temple again - this time with Jesus - to feel the Father's presence, to be in the holy city again, to renew the reality of my call.

And to see how Jesus responds to all of that in his own right.

Extract 39
Passover was wonderful! I always feel so close to God when we remember all he has done for us. But this year, all together as a family, Jesus taking part as a man, Leah asking the question 'Why this night, why this way?' and Joseph, inviting Jesus for the first time to tell us all why. It was as if he had been there! I could hear the breath in the horses nostrils, hear the ground shake under their hooves, feel the fear as they were pressed towards the water, see again the miracle as Moses struck the water. God rescuing his people.

As I looked at him as he told it I could see him change. No longer a boy eagerly retelling a well known story. But a man, a teacher with wisdom and authority far beyond his years. At the end Joseph put his arm round him and nodded. 'Well done son, I'm proud of you'.

Extract 40
How quickly good times turn to bad. We've just spent the last three days looking for Jesus. For three days I felt I had lost him. At first we thought he was traveling back with friends. By the time we felt the need to look it took a day to retrace our steps. Every moment I was afraid we'd come across someone who would tell us the worst - robbers, slave-traders. But nothing, no sign. When we got back to Jerusalem we went to everyone we knew, but no-one knew anything.

Finally we went to the temple to pray for a miracle - and there I suppose it was. Jesus, debating with the teachers of the law - asking them questions as if he were the teacher and they the disciples. And they were responding, nodding at the quality of his questions, taking him seriously. If we hadn't been so angry, so distressed it would have been a precious moment. When he saw us, he finished his question then came over to us as if nothing was wrong. Joseph was furious on my behalf, but when challenged, Jesus was surprised and at once apologetic. We sat down and he explained. 'For years you have pointed me to the scriptures, told me the stories. You know that I am called to bring good news to the poor. You, mother, you know who I am better than anyone. Surely you knew that once I became a man in my own right, I would need to be about my Father's business?'

As he said those words I felt Simeon's sword pierce my heart a little. Not just for myself at the thought of my son moving on, but for Joseph too. His natural hopes that Jesus would take over from him. And those words, innocently spoken but how they must have hurt 'My Father's business'. Yet Joseph was God's choice as well and instead of a bitter reply borne out of disappointment, Joseph said 'Indeed you must, it is what we have given ourselves for Jesus. It is what we have suffered to bring about. But not yet, not like this. Up till now you have been obedient to us because it was your duty as a child to his parents. Now you need to learn to be obedient out of choice, out of love. Then you will be ready to fulfill all our Father has for you.'

Jesus looked at Joseph and a broad smile lit his face. 'You’re right’ he said ‘thank you!' Without looking back he said simply. 'Two carpenters in Nazareth then' and with that he swung Leah to his shoulders and marched off towards home.

Childhood

Extract 35
I get so much less time to write nowadays. Five children and a husband make for a busy house! These last years have been wonderful - normal. Joseph's business growing, gradually being accepted by family and friends again. And of course seeing my children growing up! Jesus now seven down to Leah, just starting to walk.

But of course there are moments when the deeper reality breaks through, as in my heart I know it always will - and must. A couple of years ago, Jesus managed to open the cupboard where we keep the gifts from the Magi. He knows we often don't have much money, so when he saw the gold, he was naturally curious! We didn't say much - it really didn't seem the time.

Tomorrow is though - today he came home from school - he'd been in a fight with Reuben again. I was about to chastise him when he asked me what a bastard was. So, the whispers carry on and now we have to explain.

Extract 36
We've always told Jesus that he is special - but then what mother doesn't say that to her child? But there is something unique - not just about his birth, his father - but about him. The way he prays, the way he almost knows the scripture stories before they are finished - as if he's heard them before a long time ago. But above all, his goodness. Not that he isn't into everything like all boys his age, but there is nothing dark, nothing malicious. He's quick to apologise and very quick to praise and to love. I desperately want to protect him from the world that is so unlike him. But I know that is not why he has come to us.

And so we tell him. He nods at the circumstances of his conception and birth, he grins when we tell him of the first visitors. When we bring out the presents and give them to him, this time for real, he seems to understand. When I weep as I talk about Herod & Egypt, he comforts me. We spend hours talking about the scriptures, bringing what little understanding we can. At the end of it all, he stands by the window and says simply 'I see'.

Extract 37
As the eldest, Jesus spends more and more time with Joseph - learning the trade. Joseph is so patient with him! I remember the first time he got into the workshop, I was frantic. There he was by my feet, tripping me up as usual 'Off you go and play' I said - and off he went. When I looked for him a little later, I couldn't find him. I went down the street calling in at all my friends, but he wasn't there. Then Joseph came round the corner, carrying him. As Jesus saw me, he wriggled free and ran towards me shouting 'I helped dad build a boat!'. He went regularly after that, learning his trade, always something new! The time he wanted to hammer the nails himself. Joseph held the nails whilst Jesus tried to hit them. Jesus learned some new words and Joseph came home with bruised fingers! And the time he got sawdust in his eye. Such a small speck, so much hurt, so many tears. But yesterday they brought me home a new box for my diary - they had made it together.

Soon there will be two carpenters in our house.

Refugees

Extract 31
I've stopped shaking, but the tears will go on. 'Rachel weeping for her children, for they are no more'. And selfishly I keep asking; how much more running, how many more will want to kill my son, when can we be normal?

In calmer moments I reflect - our people spent 400 years trying to escape from Egypt into the Promised land. It was Joshua who took them the final steps. Now we have had to flee from the land, taking our Yeshua into Egypt.

Extract 32
Nazareth. Not exactly a warm welcome, but at least no stones. Somehow the stories of the shepherds, the royal visit and Herod's madness arrived before us (He finally died last month). I'm not saying that everyone believes us, but the open hostility is gone. Please God, time to settle, to re-build, to be a normal family.

Extract 33
I finally got to spend time with Father today. I brought Jesus and James to see their grand-parents. No-one knew quite what to say, them embarrassed at having been wrong to reject us so. Me, well, me because I'm not the 'me' that left.

I left my diary for them to read, it seemed the easiest way.

Extract 34
Daddy read my diary.

He came this morning. He brought me a new pen.

Magi

Extract 27
The whole of Jerusalem is in turmoil, an embassy from some eastern country has arrived to speak to Herod. Israel hasn't had a state visit in living memory, not since the Romans took over. Even in Bethlehem there is speculation as to what it means.

I'm not sure I care, I have exciting news of my own. I am expecting Joseph's baby!

Extract 28
I should have cared. The ambassadors asked Herod where 'the one born to be King of the Jews' was. They asked Herod, that murdering pretend king, where the real king was! He must have been furious - rumour has it that he had his wife and own sons killed to protect his phony throne. Anyway, he pretended to want to know himself and he got the chief priests to look in the scriptures. I could have told him. 'And you Bethlehem, out of you will come a ruler'.

So they came. To our home, from the royal palace! As usual, Jesus was running around, scrapes on his knees and mud on his face. Chattering away as ever. They didn't mind though. When they saw him it was like the shepherds. They looked passed the toddler and met with Jesus. They bowed before him acknowledging his kingship. Then they solemnly presented him with gifts. It was funny watching these important men handing over presents to this bemused boy when Herod must have thought the gifts were for him! But what presents! Gold, incense, myrrh. A king, a priest and - well right now, I don't want to think about that.

Why would you give a small boy burial ointment?

Extract 29
We've got to leave. The Magi have gone back without telling Herod about Jesus. He's sending the army to kill him. When will it end? I thought at last we could settle, be family.

Joseph's shouting, we must go.

Extract 30
I can hardly stop shaking. We've been in Egypt three days now. The escape was terrifying. Every moment I expected to hear hooves, shouts. What I heard instead was worse. Mother's screaming as Herod's murderers killed all the boys under two. We hid in a cave just outside the town. We heard it all. I wanted to go back to tell them to stop -better for us to die as a family than all those children. But Herod's men enjoy killing, they'd have killed us and all the others too.

I can't bear it. Some of Jesus' little friends, Benji, Sam, Nathan. I can't bear it.

Simeon

Extract 25
Jerusalem is just 4 miles away, so today we went to the temple to dedicate Jesus to God. The shepherds wanted to give us a sheep for the sacrifice, but we knew that the thank-offering had to cost us something. Right now we can't afford anything really, so we bought a pair of doves and trusted that God would understand. The temple was crowded as usual, the courts for women and foreigners taken over as ever by the traders, eventually we came to present Jesus. As we pressed forward a man came up to us - we found out later his name was Simeon and that God had revealed to him years ago that he would see the Christ before he died. It seems that he has been looking for him every day since. I had noticed him earlier - almost blind and clearly looking for something as if he had just lost it. It was quite funny to watch! I was a little worried when he looked our way. It was as if his eyes could suddenly see, he drew a deep breath and rushed towards us. Before I knew it he had taken Jesus from me and held him up as you would an offering. Joseph was about to wrestle him to the ground when he spoke some amazing words. 'Now let your servant depart in peace, for I have seen with my own eyes the salvation of my God'. Tears rolled down his face as he prophesied over Jesus, and again when an old woman called Anna did the same.

I only waited for Jesus for 9 months. These people had been waiting for him for decades, never losing hope, never giving up.

For me and for them, God's promise is baby in your arms real!

Extract 26
It's so long since I wrote, but it's been so busy! The shepherds story spread and people saw how well Joseph fixed the house - gradually we've begun to build a life - small group of friends, enough work so that we can eat. Every now and again the longing for my family rises up and hurts. To see Jesus growing and them not to see him. They'd be so proud. I hear news from time to time - it just distresses me more. Of course, most of the time is taken in feeding, cleaning, making the home.

But just sometimes, I cry a little.

Emmanuel

Extract 22
At last, a moment to write! What a night! From pain and shame and despair to extraordinary joy. It seemed like he would never be born, couldn't be born, him too big, me too small. All that pain, seeming to go on forever, forgetting what normal was like. Just like these last months. More and more rejection, more and more pain - almost losing hope that I could ever have joy again.

But here he is, joy to the world, the Lord is here. Jesus is here. God is with us.

Hope and my son were born tonight.

Extract 23
I've just finished feeding him again, now Joseph has him. He looks so proud - our child, yet not our child, God's child - maybe everyone's child. The shepherds certainly thought so! We thought a mob had gathered to come and kill us - nothing would have surprised me tonight. But it wasn't it was the shepherds from the sacrifice fields - where they keep the flocks for the temple. I think they'd be drinking; they were shouting and singing, babbling on about angels and bright lights in the sky. At first I wanted them to go away - we'd been on our own through the pain of this whole thing, why couldn't we enjoy this part together. But I had this quiet sense inside me that this is how it will be - Jesus has come for everyone. And then I was glad that they were ordinary shepherds. Real people who understand hardship, loneliness, being ostracised. I liked them and anyway, who can resist a new-born baby!

But if they were a little drunk, the moment passed. Something changed when they saw Jesus. Maybe they recognised him, maybe there's something about him that reminded them of the angels they had just seen. But they became quiet and one by one bowed before him in reverence. In many ways, it made me more in fear than when I thought we were about to be killed.

This Jesus, my Jesus - tonight it felt like the whole universe turns on you.

O Lord, help me.

Extract 24
We're not going back, not yet anyway. The shepherds took us to a place where we can stay - it's so small, and there are broken timbers and holes in the roof - I guess that's why no-one lives here. But I know someone who can fix those things, and I can make us a home!

Maybe, just maybe we can begin to have a normal life.

Bethlehem

Extract 18

I'd hoped that once I was married people would slowly accept me again. Especially my Father, my daddy who gave me this pen, who couldn't now bear to look upon me. But instead, as my baby grows, so does the hatred. Its affected Joseph too - there's even talk of getting Abel's son to come back. Some weeks there's barely enough work for us to eat. It's become so bad that I hardly go out - yesterday some boys picked up stones to throw at me and Joseph had to chase them away. Then, today the news arrived that anyone with an income has to register in their home town to make sure they're paying the right taxes to Rome. Given all the rest of our troubles it seems of little consequence. Most men in Nazareth will just go to Levi our tax-gatherer but Joseph will have to go to Bethlehem - his home town. Its 70 miles and the roads aren't always safe, he will be gone at least a week and I will be on my own in a town where some people want me dead.

Extract 19

We argued about it - the first time in 5 months of marriage. In the end I won, I'm going to go with him - we're going to go with him. I know it seems crazy, two weeks of traveling when I am almost due. But being pregnant with God's son is crazy anyway, and God gave me my strong, kind Joseph for a reason - and it wasn't to leave me at the mercy of these people I once knew so well. So, once more I'm packed, this time there are no goodbyes to say, just a quick look round at our first home, then close the door, hoping it will still be here when we get back.

Extract 20

Tonight is the first night that I've been able to write anything. We stopped early because I have a stomach ache - all the walking I guess. Anyway, it means that it is still light enough to write a little. It's been a difficult journey - I'm still sure that it was right to come - I have peace in my heart about it. But it's been hard - tomorrow will be our fourth day, Joseph thinks we should make Bethlehem before dark. He seems nervous - we know news of my 'condition' will have reached his family - we don't know how they will react when we arrive on their doorstep. But even if they are ashamed of us, who could turn away their son and his wife when she so needs a normal bed?

I'll have to stop now my stomach-ache is too uncomfortable for writing like this.

Extract 21

I know this is Mary's diary, but I have to do something. My wife is in labour and no-one will help. My own family shut the door on us. The inn-keeper said he was too busy. I feel so helpless. I'm a carpenter, I know nothing about this. This is a time for family, for sisters, for mothers. So I write and put down more straw and keep the animals away and stop people staring. Have they lost there sense of God? Have they forgotten compassion? We're supposed to treat strangers, foreigners better than this! All they see is what they think is sin, blind to their own wounds, they hurt others.

And every cry Mary makes breaks my heart again.

Telling Joseph

Extract 15

It's awful. At first it was lovely - everyone pleased to see me again, lots of hugs - the wonderful sense of being part of family. But in my heart I kept wondering if they would share my joy at what God had done. Eventually I got some time with Joseph. Everyone thought we were catching up and planning for the wedding. The wedding that isn't going to happen now.
At first he thought it was some kind of girls’ story. Then when he realised I was serious, when he looked at me and knew, then he was angry. 'An angel, sure he was an angel'. But it wasn't his anger that broke my heart. It was his disappointment, the thought that I'd betrayed him. 'Do you know how rare it is for men and women to actually love each other when the marriage is arranged? I thought we had that Mary. Everyone said you were special, said you loved God, loved what was right.'

I had no words - what could I say that I hadn't already said? I couldn't bear his pain. What a fool to think that others would share my joy. All they see is the shame, all they assume is the worst. And why not? Wouldn't I? Tears aren't enough to express how I feel. 12 weeks from joy to devastation. Where are your promises now God? All those words fell to the ground as I looked into his eyes and saw his heart break in two.

He's a good man, maybe the best of men. Even in his despair he wanted to spare me. He'll visit my Father tomorrow and agree the terms of the divorce. He said he'll do it quietly - I'll have to leave Nazareth of course - it won't be safe to be here branded as a harlot.

All generations will call me blessed? Right now my name is a curse.

Extract 16

Joseph arrived at the house early, I didn't see his face, couldn't bear to look. I heard my mother open the door. 'Good morning Ann', his voice sounded calmer than I expected. I waited, dreading what was next, the conversation with my Father, the shouting, the shame. I'd already packed, though I had no idea where to go other than to Elizabeth - I knew she would shelter me, even with their new baby, but I didn't know if Uncle Zech being a priest could allow it. But the storm never came. 'Can I see Mary' he asked.

We walked together, I fearing some onslaught, some accusation, something even worse than was already waiting. But he turned and looked me in the eye and said quietly. 'I saw him Mary - I saw Gabriel last night. He told me that I should have trusted you, that it is all true, that you are carrying God's son. He asked me to be his earthly father. To be your husband. Mary, I love you, will you marry me?'

I almost fell, the relief flooded through me - whatever happened now, I had my Joseph, my kind, strong Joseph to be by my side.

Extract 17

In the next few weeks I learned just how much I needed that kind strength. Of course, going ahead with the wedding, marrying someone who was more and more clearly pregnant meant only one thing in people's minds. I had slept with someone, that was for sure. If it hadn't been Joseph, then he would have divorced me. But he was marrying me - a clear sign of guilt. Both of us were sharing the blame, taking the punishment for something we had not done.

Now of course the wedding preparations were very different. No-one could be seen to sully themselves attending the wedding of such sinners. All my childhood dreams of a wonderful wedding under a canopy with my friends and family celebrating had turned to dust. Hard enough to find a priest who would even marry us in private. But there it was, done - and yet, somehow more special than I can say. Just Joseph, me and God, exchanging vows whilst His son listened and grew inside me.

Today I married the carpenter from Bethlehem!

Elizabeth

Extract 12
I've never been so nervous in all my life as I was when I knocked on the door. So much resting on what I see when Elizabeth opens it. So much confusion inside me:

'Lord, please let her be pregnant, let it not have been a dream.'
'Oh God, please don't let her be pregnant, let me go back to just being Mary, engaged to Joseph.'

There, it's done, the door knocked. A shout from inside, someone sees me from a window. 'It's Mary' someone says. A confusion of voices, then the door swings open. Elizabeth stands there, I can't get passed her - she's too big already. Then somehow I'm inside and I shout 'Elizabeth'. Suddenly she grasps herself as her baby jumps - I go to help her but she just laughs at me, then almost bows:

'Why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me?'

That's when it hit me. It's all true. I am pregnant - it isn't a game, it isn't something happening in a story. It's me - I can't begin to understand why, but it's me and I am humbled beyond words.

Extract 13
Days and weeks of talking, of remembering, of praying. Trying to understand. Elizabeth told me their story - it's so funny! Of course we all knew they'd been praying for children for years (didn't realise they were still praying!). Nothing had happened, but then we'd got used to God not speaking to us - it's 400 years since the last prophet spoke to Israel - which is why I'd always seen a heaviness, a weariness in Uncle Zech's eyes. The rituals must have become pretty empty sometimes - I know they have for most of my friends. Anyway, it was his turn to go into the Holy place in the temple for the evening sacrifice and as usual a group of people had gathered to watch (the usual suspects - the ones showing off their holiness and the visitors who haven't seen that nothing happens!). Except that this time something did happen! Gabriel appeared to Uncle Zech! He said that their prayers had been heard and that he and Elizabeth would have a son who would prepare the way for our Messiah! Uncle Zech couldn't believe it (or maybe wouldn't allow himself to believe it - Gabriel is pretty believable - I should know!). Anyway, Uncle Zech came out and he still can't speak so the details aren't all that clear, but one thing's for sure - Elizabeth is going to have a baby!

Extract 14
I'm going home tomorrow. It's been three months. I don't need the sight of Elizabeth's bump to confirm my own condition any more. I feel sick every morning, I haven't bled for three turns and if I look carefully, I can see the difference in my body. It's all frighteningly real. I know I have all the wonderful things that Gabriel said 'He will be great and called the Son of the Most High' and the words Elizabeth prophesied: 'Blessed are you among women' and even the words that I prayed 'He who is mighty will do great things'. All this and more and they are wonderfully comforting and at times really exciting. And I know more with every passing day how privileged I am to have his son in me.

But how will I tell Joseph?

Gabriel

Extract 10
Oh God. I've just read the last entry. It seems a lifetime ago. Was it really yesterday I was writing about having children? Now everything has changed. Yesterday I was a girl wanting to be a woman. Now I'm - I don't know.

Last night, before I went to bed, I was in my room. I was just stood there, thinking about the future, enjoying the happiness of it all. Then he came. Not Joseph, he wouldn't do such an improper thing. Not anyone I knew. Not anyone. An angel - a messenger from God - Gabriel himself. He stood there, in our house, in Nazareth. I thought I'd gone mad, fallen asleep, dreaming. But somehow it was more real than real and suddenly I was frightened. Not like with Abel, just his sheer presence, his realness - I don't know.

Then he spoke, he told me not to be afraid. He said that I had found favour with God. He said God wanted me to have his son. I blurted the first thing that came into my head - 'I'm not even married yet, I'm a virgin - how can that be?'. I realised immediately how foolish it was, but Gabriel smiled and told me what I knew, that with God all things are possible. He said that God's Spirit would come upon me and that I would become pregnant. Then he stopped and waited. I realised he was waiting for an answer. He wasn't telling me what had happened, he was asking permission so that it could happen.

I remembered passover, I remembered God's presence, I remembered the promises he had made to bring salvation to the world. I was overwhelmed by the privilege, the sense of worth. I said yes. '

Yes, let it be to me as you have said'.

He nodded and told me incredible news. Elizabeth, Uncle Zech's wife (who must be at least 50 - no really) was 6 month's pregnant with their first child! While I was working that out, he left. Disappeared. Just me in the room with all the family noise going on outside and even more noise inside my head.

Extract 11
I have to see Elizabeth. If she's pregnant, I'll know it wasn't a dream. I can't even begin to start thinking about what this means till I know for sure. It seemed so real, but even now when I read the words it seems distant, so unlikely, so unbelievable. Yet when I close my eyes, I can see him, hear him, sense God's presence through him.

I told the family that I have to visit Elizabeth - I didn't explain why, I can hardly believe it myself. I've never 'told' them anything before in my life. But I'm a woman now - more than that, a woman contracted to be married, no longer under their authority. I had to get permission from Joseph of course - how I'll miss him! But even more painful is the fact that I can't say anything to him yet. I have to know first; yet I need him, his strength, his kindness, his reassurance, his love. So I'm packed, some friends are coming most of the way with me, so I'll be safe.

In a couple of days time I'll know.